i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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