dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
