i just sent this text using only my big toe
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
