The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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