.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
