1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize