Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
soo... how was my night?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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