don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
