The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
