im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize