maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
