i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
