I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
