he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
