Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
