well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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