youre lurking in front of me
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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