You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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