your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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