She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
