I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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