A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
