I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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