Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
