HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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