I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
