Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
