Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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