I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
