return my video game
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize