my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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