This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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