I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You were trust falling into bushes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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