There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
