If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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