you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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