we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
