I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
