as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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