When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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