Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
