you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
