The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
