Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
