living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
