i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
