I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
