We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
