there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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