Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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