I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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