This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
