he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
