Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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