dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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