don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
