took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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