I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
