you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
